Somali Pirates: Outsourcing the Negotiations

Note to readers: Before anyone asks, we’re covering this pirate business because 1) Our East Euro peeps are being held hostage 2) East Euro tanks are being held hostage 3) We can do just about whatever we want thanks to the soft bigotry of low expectations.

So the Somali pirate story has taken a turn for the more surreal.

Apparently that’s possible.

Back in October, we gave a shout out to our favorite pirate negotiator Sugule Ali (yes they really have a negotiator, yarr).

Mr. Ali is one of the fellows sitting on an ill-gotten stash of thirty odd T-72 main battle tanks and a crew of starving shipmates. Well it turns out that Ali and the new owners of 2 million barrels of oil aboard the Sirius Star don’t want to negotiate anymore.

Get this: they're outsourcing the negotiations.

Enter Ms. Michele Lynn Ballarin, owner of Virginia-based SelectArmor (corporate negotiator pictured). At first, nobody knew what the hell was happening when both the Faina (Ukranian tanks) and Sirius Star (Saudi oil) dropped giant signs over the side of their ships reading “Amira.” Apparently, that was Ballarin’s nickname when she was “helping plan military operations” in Somali during 2006.

And just before you call bullshit, we have a quote from the diva of East Africa tom-foolery herself. Yup, she’s really the negotiator. "I'm in communication with both ships on a regular basis…"My goal is to unwind all 17 ships and all 450 people they've been holding," Ballarin said.

In case you're interested, Ballarin also sells a line of NATO certified chemical skin decontamination lotion (in addition to being an industry leader in pirate negotiations). Stock up now!