Lavrov is Convinced

"We are convinced that the best way to assuage Russia's concerns ... will be to abandon such plans and turn to a truly collective project," Lavrov told reporters.

Gee, thanks Sergi. So the best way for the US and Russia to solve the impass over missile defence is for the US to just give up.

Wow.

FT Asks, Is Russia's Economy Due for a "Cold Shower?"

Medvedev granted FT a high-profile interview. Since it was the FT, he kept himself primarly to economic issues.

The take-away message is that Medvedev remains bullish on energy prices and the Kremlin's cash on hand. He also -- oddly -- claims that Russia's stock market is an "island of stability" amid the global tourmoil. If so, this island has been listing under the waves of late, as the index has dropped -14.2% since Jan. 1, 2008.

Ture, most global markets have been taking a beating, but Russia has fared worse than S. Korea (-13.3%), Brazil (-7.7), Canada (-7.6), and the US (-6.8), during the same period. In Medvedev's defence, the Russian stock exchange has outpreformed the UK (-14.9) and Japan (-18.5). But a -14% bloodbath doesn't really invoke the same image as an "island of stability."

Here's the video highlights.

Macedonia Convicts Bear of Stealing Honey

SKOPJE (Reuters) - "A Macedonian court convicted a bear of theft and damage for stealing honey from a beekeeper who fought off the attacks with thumping 'turbo-folk' music." (Non-turbo folk pictured.)

And then it gets really wierd.

How it all Began...

It's officially gone viral. So what the hell.

"Clan Yanukovych"

Spring is here. That means fantasy baseball time.

Eternal Remont's has already picked its fantasy line-up from Clan Yanukovych.

Unstoppable!

Skimming from UkrGazEnergo

Carnegie had a lunch panel yesterday. For those who missed it, you know who you are. NATO, UkrGazEnergo, and the Party of Regions were all on the agenda. Today’s VoA has the highlight film, if you’re interested.

What is not included in the story, is the part where Aslund first hinted, then declined on follow-up, to name the “three main beneficiaries” in Ukraine who profit directly from skimming cash out of UkrGazEnergo.

The flirt.

Aslund did note that Medvedev most likely does not have a stake in the skimming. Instead, the real greed is localized in the Ukrainian side of the venture. While Tymoshenko’s desire to cut UkrGazEnergo out of the loop is a necessary attempt to combat corruption, there is still a substantial amount of cash that is disappearing into the Ukranian government in a “non-transparent manner.”

That's what George Washington Plunkitt calls "honest graft."

Don't Count You Chips Yet, Nabucco Haters

From today's EDM: "South Stream can be halted in the Black Sea by Ukraine and Romania on a legal basis, at no risk to themselves and with appropriate Western support, until access can be opened to Central Asian gas for Nabucco."

Never Get Tired of These Photos....

From English Russia

Ruhnama, the Blog

Igor writes: Bet you never thought you'd hear those two words in the same sentence :)

Behold, the Ruhnama blog, run by "Steve in Wisconsin".

The mission statement:
"A blog examining the Ruhnama of the late President of Turkmenistan, Saparmyrat Turkmenbashy the Great, and the application of the book's principles in daily living."

For a dose of the clinically insane, go here: http://ruhnama.blogspot.com/

My favorite quote: "I started this blog six months after Saparmyrat Turkmenbashy's death because I felt a need to preserve his memory, his teachings, and his vision for the Golden Age should Turkmenistan's new president, Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov, move in the direction he is moving now - away from the guidelines set forth in Ruhnama, guidelines and advice for the future of Turkmenistan and her people."

Postcards from Ufa

Stumbled across a photo of the Ufa Cinema Center. Is it modern, or just poor construction?

Vladimir Churov is Unaware

The Council of Europe issued a negative report on the Russian presidential elections, citing lack of media freedom, denial of candidates, and ballot stuffing at the polls -- the usual suspects. CE delegation head Andreas Gross noted that the "democratic potential" of the Russian electorate "was unfortunately not tapped."

Remember kids, democracy is just like a beer keg. Dude, where's the tap?

Anyway, Russian Central Election Commission Head Vladimir Churov figured it was his job to respond to the nosey assesments of foreigners. "What should I do, should I make CEC members work naked?" Churov then went in for the kill, "I am unawar of any document which would outline a procedure for the use of democratic potential."

Eternal Remont might gratiously point Mr. Churov to Article 32 of the Russian Constitution. It provides a wonderful outline on the right to vote, the principles of representitve government, and even the process of free and open elections.

But that's missing the point, right Churov?

Banyas are a Good Substitute for Jack Daniels & Drugs

Daily Mail: Hollywood hellraiser Colin Farrell has admitted he is hooked on taking Russian-style steam baths while covered in honey. The star, who kicked a deadly drug habit, found his new addiction while filming in New York. He was a daily visitor to the 10th Street Russian and Turkish Baths where guests are smothered in honey before steaming.

He told GQ Magazine: "There's something very basic about rubbing honey on your skin and going steaming with a bunch of strange Russian men." Farrell admitted he went to rehab to get off ecstasy, cocaine, speed, Jack Daniels and wine.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=523626&in_page_id=1773

Holy Crap, Medvedev Won?!?!

Russia’s nail-biting presidential election came down to the wire yesterday, as the world cautiously awaited the outcome of the vote. For it's part, Eternal Remont has stayed above the petty cynicism of western observers who gratutiously forcast the outcome of the event before all the votes were counted.

In the end, Dmitry Medvedev pulled a comfertible 70.23% of the electorate – 2,373,736 more votes than Putin won in his 2004 re-election (Jamestown).

This is not too shabby when your only opponents are, as Anne Applebaum writes,“a clapped out communist, a complete nonentity, and the ludicrous anti-Semite and vulgarian Vladimir Zhirinovsky.” (Here’s the lovable Zhirinovsky ordering his bodyguard to shoot Andrey Bogdanova during a national debate.)

Meanwhile, Richard Perle over at AEI is trying to calm everyone down over the threat of a new arms race with Russia.“We should greet Russian threats to race with amusement and a big yawn: They would be competing against themselves. If Putin wishes to pour petro-rubles into building more missiles, our response should be limited to sympathy for the ordinary Russians whose taxes will be squandered, much as they were with catastrophic consequences during the Cold War.”

So we all extend a big round of applause to President Medvedev. His hard-fought victory on the campaign trail is a testament to his character, including his one and only speech to outline an agenda and a single meet-the-voters-in-short-sleeves “town hall.”

The people have spoken.

Colbert Wants His Money, Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk!

Jessica Simpson is Ukraine's Barbie

No, seriously.

In America, Jessica Simpson is a robot transvestite with a nation wide average opening weekend gross of $1,332 (fact).

But in Ukraine, well: "In Ukraine, her film is a huge success. Not only are people flocking to theaters to see Jessica on the big screen, they want her to come visit. 'She is really the ideal of American beauty and style, like Barbie,' Alex Shpiluk, a film producer and member of the Ukrainian Film Commission."

“She is very famous here. The Dukes of Hazzard was shown 10 times on TV last month,” says Arama Gevorcyan, a leading Ukrainian film producer.

And before anyone protests, InTouch weekly is a legit news outlet.

Thanks Vika!

Azerbaijan's Death Star Hotel

Azerbaijan is about to demonstrate the power of this fully armed, fully operational battle station....with room service!

Thanks Robert!!!

"Three sons, and the wife - a beauty! I vote for, for Bogdanova Andrey!"

Chalmers sends along this beauty...

Click here to hear "democratic" presidential candidate Andrey Bogdanova's campaign song (headphone alert).

Did you know, Russia needs a president? Thanks Bogdanova!

Anyway, with a slick media machine like this, he's sure to win his grandmother's vote (pictured).

Speaking of Nukes...

Back in May 2007, we noted how President Putin promised to deploy better, faster, cheaper MRV'ed nuclear missiles. This is intended to counter the US missile defense program and earn some of that sweet, sweet R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The other side of the story is that Russia's existing MRV'ed rocket force is about to reach its "use by" day. So the Kremlin's number crunchers figure its cheaper to put more warheads on fewer rockets, rather than replacing the existing models.

This brings us to Russia's newest contribution to the Peace Race, a bright new member of the nuclear family: the RS-24.

Duck and cover, baby.

Pakistan Nukes its Own Internet

Located in the soft underbelly of Eurasia, we don't usually run stories on Pakistan. But this one is just too good to ignore.

When the government of Pakistan blocked its citizens from watching Youtube videos over the weekend, it bit off more than it could chew. The global chain reaction which followed, not only shut down Youtube access world wide, but also nuked Pakistan's own internet infrastructure.

"By suddenly rerouting YouTube-content requests from around the world to be handled in Pakistan, a volume of Internet traffic far greater than usual for the country, 'the leadership of Pakistan just created a massive Denial of Service on their own country.'"

Way to go.

Soviet Art Gets Classy

Today, the Chelsea Art Museum in New York will open an exhibition of Soviet-era artwork.

Russia's oil economy has propelled a new generation of collectors. New York's art universe has taken notice. The works on disply are inteded to highlight the "current of Russian alternative culture and describe the history of independent, or 'non-conformist,' art."

Brute Force

Back in October, we noted that Putin had dispatched everyone's favorite nationalist lunatic, Dmitry Rogozin, to serve as NATO Ambassador.

Since then, Rogozin has made himself at home in Brussels and distinguished himself for little gems like, "Polish colleagues must be reminded of their recent history...which indicates that attempts to place Poland 'on the confrontation line' have always led to tragedies. That way Poland lost nearly one third of its citizens during World War II." (Thanks Leopolis).

Now we assume that Rogozin is speaking of ye ol' Molotov-Ribbentrop pact here -- the part where Russia put Poland 'on the confrontation line.' But he could also be giving a wink to the Warsaw uprising, where much of the city was cut to ribbons while Russian troops watched idly.

But we digress.

Yesterday, Russia's lone gun at NATO weighed in on this Kosovo business. Did he ever. With his his usual tact and subtlty, Rogozin noted that "Russia would 'proceed on the basis that in order to be respected we need to use brute force'" to keep the Kosovo business from getting out of hand.

That's right, Kosovo has disrespected Russia by exercising its rights under Article 1.2 of the UN Charter to disassociate itself from a country that twice in the last 20 years attempted to exterminate its population...and it wasn't Russia.

Now, this only makes sense to Dmitry Rogozin. But that's all that matters. Because the only thing more dangerous than someone like Dmitry Rogozin, is someone like Dmitry Rogozin who is not trapped in Brussels as NATO Ambassador.

Hey Buddy, Got a Light?

Angry Serbs set part of the United States Embassy in Belgrade ablaze. The small fires in the Embassy were quickly extinguished. The smoldering resentment of having yet another chunk of Greater Serbia jettisoned, well, that part continues to burn.

“As long as we live, Kosovo is Serbia,” Prime Minister Kostunica said.

Rule of Law in Romania

In a victory for Romania's decade long effort to buttress the court system and promote the rule of law, "An ardent fan of former Olympic gymnast Nadia Comaneci (pictured) is suing Romania president Traian Basescu for not awarding a special sports merit medal to his idol," Reuters reports.

My how far we've come.

To be sure, this kind of legal silliness is not unique to Romania. But if the trend continues, Romanians may also find themselves hopelessly trapped in a universe of "Caution, Coffee May Be Hot" and shotguns which remind you to "Point Away From Self." All the happy outcomes of an over-litigious society.

So is it KosovO or KosovA?

At long last, it's happened. Birth of a nation. Pop the bubbly. Kosovo is a state.

The whole process was carefully stage managed (state managed?) by the US, so as to avoid any overt 'up yours' to Serbia. No songs glorifying dead independence leaders killed by Serbs, etc.

Thus far, it's all gone pretty much according to plan. "President George W. Bush and leading European allies offered diplomatic backing to Kosovo, pledging to support the newly independent state in the face of Serbian and Russian opposition....France and Britain became the first EU countries to extend diplomatic ties to Kosovo." Serbia "vowed restraint" and Russia called an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council to protest, saying there was "no legal basis'' for the proclamation and that it should be "disregarded by the international community.''

No legal basis?

Russian Amb. Vitaly Churkin might want to brush up on his UN Charter, specifically Article 1, Section 2. "The Purposes of the United Nations are: to develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights and self-determination of peoples."

But who reads that dusty old thing anyway?

Besides, the fun part is that self-determination, like terrorist or freedom fighter, means just about anything you want it to mean. Either way, no word yet on any Russian recognition of Abkhazia. All that will have to wait till after the party dies down.

Kosovo still has no economy to speak of, no highly-valued natural resources to export, and generally exists off of the good will of foreign donors, NATO peacekeepers, and the trade in sex workers to supply said peacekeepers.

But so much for all that. Let's all strip off our shirts and give a guzzle from the ram's horn.

Welcome to the party Kosovo. You are in for one long ass Eternal Remont.

Medvedev & Putin Talk Two Different Games

Soon-to-be Russian President Dmitry Medvedev said this week that freedom, private property and an independent judiciary would be the central planks of his administration.

He also noted that Russia and the United States share common values and have no choice but to cooperate.

This follows statements by current President and Soon-to-be Prime Minister Putin that Russia would resume the moribund arms race with the West and target nuclear missiles on Eastern Europe.

Putin said the same thing about Bulgaria in 2007, then promptly signed a multi-billion dollar natural gas pipeline deal with said target for nuclear annihilation. So this might be the only way he knows how to make friends.

Either way, Medvedev is talking like it's 1996 (See you at the Ugly Duck on Friday!), while Putin is rocking out to 1976 (I buy your blue jeans. Do you have dollars? I buy your dollar).

Trouble a Brewin' on the Polish-Uker Border

There's a great article by Adrian Erlinger in the most recent ToL.

"The expansion of Schengen on 21 December was a Pyrrhic victory for the development of Polish-Ukrainian relations. The EU has created a de facto cordon sanitaire with its eastern neighbors, limiting free travel rather than deepening cross-border exchange..."

GLONASS Sputters, Again

Remember GLONASS, Russia's answer to GPS? In 1994, the system worked for about five minutes, right before the satellites fizzled. Hell, it happens. So now the Kremlin is plowing petro dollars into reviving GLONASS....with little success.

Jamestown reports, "During a televised Cabinet meeting [in December 2007], Putin asked Ivanov when his pet Labrador, Koni, would get a working GLONASS positioner “'so that she will not run away.'” Ivanov confidently projected mid-2008.

Opps. Ivanov now says 1) GLONASS is inaccurate 2) does not cover all of Russia all of the time 3) the satellites are unreliable 4) Russian companies aren't even making devices for the GLONASS system 5) everyone at the Federal Space Agency should be fired.

Ego plays a role here. But so does Russian's desire to use its own GPS to target precision-guided weapons, just like the Americans. Why not use the US GPS system? Partnership, cooperation, and all that? Russia's playbook still intends to use said cruise missiles against NATO and US targets.

Here Koni, Koni... Where is that damn dog?

Putin's Love Life on DVD

Just what I wanted for Valentine's Day...

BBC: A new film purported to be based on Putin's normally very private life is soon to be released in Russia. The film, called A Kiss - Off the Record, is due to come out on Valentine's Day, but only on DVD.

Its fictional hero is a German-speaking St Petersburg Russian with a secretive job who marries a stewardess, has two daughters and rises to the presidency. This matches the president's life story although his name is not mentioned. The film was completed 5 yrs ago, but there has been speculation that the Kremlin delayed its release until now, weeks before Putin leaves office.

The Sad Death of Anna Loginova

Anna Loginova, d. 2008: Martial arts expert, supermodel, bodygaurd, and apparently, lover of Porsche Cayenne SUVs. Dragged to her death in a Moscow carjacking. Store not ye treasures on earth...

(Thanks to Aleksandr Griboyedov for the keeping us abreast of the living and the dead in the cut-throat world of Moscow's glamour media.)

"No, Donny, these men are nihilists."

In the summer of 2001, President Putin vowed to "end the oligarchs as a class." In the end, he succeeded in ending the oligarchs who oppose the Kremlin...as a class.

Now, First Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev has set his own agenda: end Russia's “legal nihilism.” Now, this is the same legal disease which the Kremlin used to end said oligarchs. Nevertheless, Medvedev is shocked, shocked (!) that such a thing exists on a “huge scale." No European country can boast of such “disdain for the law,” he said. (Jamestown)

Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos!

Don't Worry, Be Happy....

WashPost reports: "Russian Economy Minister Elvira Nabiulliana said a booming consumer market and rising investments will protect the country from the effects of problems in the subprime mortgage market in the United States."

Funny how this is doesn't seem to jive with the forcasts of economists who actually deal in reality.

"Economists have said the fast-growing region faces a slowdown following the financial shockwaves reverberating around the globe." While Kazakhstan and Ukraine will take the largest hits, the World Bank has forcast that falling energy prices and investment inflows will place heavy downward pressure on Russia's consumers and financial markets. But what does the World Bank know. That kind of imperialistic anglosaxon economic theory doesn't apply to New Russia.

Global Warming....

...has yet to hit Russia.

So here's a little winter fix for all you January Sunbathers via the kids at English Russia. (Makes us long for the days of "three jeans and still fucking cold" and vodka soaked evenings of "that's all well and good but why did you light the table on fire?")

Stock in "President Kasyanov" T-Shirts Plummets

Mikhail Kasyanov will not be running for president, now that Russa's Central Election Commission has decided to dispence with even the symbolism of an election.

We're unsure if Kasyanov was surprised by this turn of events. But he should take some statisfaction in not being allowed to run, as it means that someone took his challenge seriously.

Once Upon A Time In Ukraine...

...you knew who your enemies were.

Today's EDM notes how those days are long gone. "Yushchenko has thwarted Tymoshenko’s planned visit to Moscow, torpedoed planned appointments to her government, disagreed with her privatization plan, and come up with a package of bills aimed at diminishing the role of the prime minister and the Cabinet."

The Magic Braids aren't having any of it, saying “if the Cabinet is limited by certain restrictions, if they start putting forward certain conditions,” then she'll just have to run for president herself.

Draw.

Lithuanian Cops Capture Dead Shoplifter...

...oops she's not dead. Go figure.

"The woman's parents had mistakenly identified a body found in a forest as that of their 27-year-old daughter, Natalya Pavlova, who disappeared from home in November," police said.

Just another example of how crime can really bring families together.

Ink Dries on the South Stream Project

"Russian President Vladimir Putin moved to redraw Europe's energy map on Friday, winning Bulgaria's support for an ambitious gas pipeline that would boost Moscow's control over supplies to the West."

Brow-Beating the British Council

This business with the British Council is starting to get out of hand. Over the Christmas holiday, we all just hoped it would be quietly resolved. How naive.

Instead, the Kremlin insists on brow-beating the British Council -- clumsy retaliation for the Litvinenko investigation.

Yet, the British government was doing what real governments are supposed to do: investigate murders and threats to public safety. The Kremlin’s crude and clumsy abuse of the British Council and its staff only undermines the image of a forward-looking, prosperous Potemkin village which Moscow is desperate to project.

Another Sign of the Apocalypse…

…Transnistria now has a tourism brand.

That's right, everyone’s favorite living museum of the Soviet Union has decided to market itself through Special Advertising Sections in the Guardian.

How the hell do you market Transnistria, the land that 1989 forgot and home of the world's largest arsenal of illeagal weapons...to tourists? Why, with these little gems of course:

--“Compared to Moldova, this is ‘like the Riviera’”
--“Standard of living: ‘Visibly higher’”
--"Kids are playing computer games"
--"16 types of hamburger toppings"

Big thanks to Aleksandr Griboyedov over at Leopolis for the heads-up on all of this insanity.

The Russian Freedom House

There appears to be a new potential employer for all the human-rights motivated Russia-watchers out there: the "Institute of Democracy and Cooperation."

Anatoly Kucherena, the director, has stated the goal of the new, Kremlin-backed (although not Kremlin-funded) organization to be "to monitor the observance of human rights in different countries and develop methods of perfecting civil society institutions." Wait, that sounds like the mission of Freedom House. Apparently not: "I have no desire to copy the behavior of organizations like Freedom House . . . . We have completely different tasks. . . . Freedom House has only one goal: to publish data, which was assembled using methodologies that nobody understands, in order to draw attention to themselves."

So, the question remains, what exactly will this organization be doing? In the words of Putin - 'to set up a think tank for freedom and democracy . . . [that] counters the activity of Western nongovernmental organizations operating in Russia." Ah, that makes more sense. It seems that the battle over "truthiness" has escalated.

The Myth of Putinism

The latest article in Foreign Affairs by Michael McFaul and Kathryn Stoner-Weiss is a biggie.

They write, "The data simply do not support the popular notion that by erecting autocracy Putin has built an orderly and highly capable state that is addressing and overcoming Russia's rather formidable development problems. Putin's failures in this regard are all the more striking..."

In key sectors like security, health, and development, Russia has preformed worse under Putin than during the Yeltsin era. Economic growth is bleow the post-Soviet average. Murder rates are higher. Terrorist attacks are higher. People are dying younger. Meanwhile the population at large has yet to fully gain from the energy boom. Many are doing worse.

Prognosis? Russia will become the new Angola: a failed state built on rents and oil. Not really new. But its good to see that Fukuyama's disciples are still beating the drum. Even if the prophet of democracy and markets has all but disavowed them.

And kudos to Foreign Affairs' for trying to salvage its reputation after the Dmitri Simes dissaster.

Blackouts Hit Russia's Regions

Not sure if this story can be believed. The Kremlin has called the National Priority Projects a smashing success.

"Distracted by the country's longest festive season, Russia has faced a series of power outages in early January, including in areas where temperatures plummet to extreme lows. The accidents came as an ominous reminder that Russia needs to improve and redevelop its basic infrastructure, specifically to rehabilitate power and heating supply systems after years of under investment." -- Jamestown

Join the Ukranian Army...

...and village sluts will bring you yogurt?

We assume that's the take-away message the Ukranian government was aiming for in this recruitment video.

Oh yeah, and the Army will dub your voice -- no extra charge!

Is Poland the New Bulgaria?

Reuters has a zinger: A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. The woman had told her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband said.

That's because everyone dreams of meeting their wife in a whorehouse just after she's just been plowed by the entire boiler room crew of a Swedish mining frigate. Eve-ry-one.

Russia: We're winning the race to Mars

"We have something of a head start in this race as we have the most experience in piloted space flight," said Lev Zelyony of Russia's Space Research Institute.

Well that pretty much covers it. Zelyony says its "technically and economically achievable" by 2025. Go get em' tiger.

Merry Christmas!

Russia celebrates the Orthodox Christmas on 7th January.

Transnistria [hearts] Ron Paul

The Tiraspol Times has spoken.

If US Presidential elections were held in Transdniestria, Ron Paul would win. The reasons why don't make any sense. But they don't have to, this is Transdniestria.

Thanks Marta!

A Look Back at How Far We've Come...

Happy New Year from President V. V. Putin!

This is freaking sweet!

Oh, Good Grief

While we were getting our New Years on, Lithuanian newspaper Kauno Diena was burning down the house. According to the story, Russia's FSB considers Lithuania enemy numero 1. Well, maybe number 2.

"Watch out you might get what your after..." Thanks Jen!

A Hero of Our Time?

Remember this name: Arkady Babchenko, as we haven't seen anything like him since Lermontov. A bold statement, yes. But not since Hero of Our Time has there been such a gripping, haunting tale of a first-person Russian war in the Caucusses -- one told with the devastating honesty of Babchenko's pen.

No soapboxing. No agenda. Just the "confused, fear-ridden, despairing world of a young private and his buddies where the only goal is survival."

After the war, Babchenko drove a gypsy cab around Moscow, one of what he calls the "embittered, aggressive beasts hardened against the whole world and believing in nothing except death."

Holy Jesus.

New Europe Plows Across the Border...sans passport

They were drinking like it was 1989 in Poland last night...as the Schengen Treaty restrictions were lifted for most of Eastern Europe. Late to the party, Bulgaria and Romania are still shivering in the cold...for now.

What's Happening to Putin's Face?

Running an empire can't leave you much time for a rejuvenating dermal scrub. Either way, Medvedev may be the man of the hour, but Time Magazine has tapped Vlad as the Person of the Year. Go get em' tiger.

ETERNAL REMONT IS BACK!

Pop the Champaign, the "Spam Block" is lifted.

Following several agonizing days of radio silence, Eternal Remont has returned!

Officially, we were flagged by unnamed sources as being a "spam blog." This kicked in a Blogger.com protocol which blocked all access to the site -- effectively shutting us down. But as Ern pointed out, it could have been worse...at least they didn't try dioxin poisoning.

The reason for the block? Too much "irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text." I'm not kidding. This actually quite funny, as there are some in the field who would agree with the accusation. But that's a different issue.

Rather than forcing us on a hunger strike during Christmas, calmer heads prevailed and Blogger.com has since removed its draconian censorship.

Lucky we didn't miss anything important.

Andrew C. Kuchins Considers the "Future," All Hell Breaks Loose

Igor writes on the blow up to Andrew C. Kuchins new report regarding "Alternative Futures for Russia to 2017."

First we start with today's Kommersant:

"Kuchins has an entirely different vision. He predicted that Putin will be assassinated at the exit of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior after midnight mass on January 7, 2008 (Russian Orthodox Christmas). The killer will not be caught and Russia will be thrown into immediate chaos. The stock market will collapse, mass strikes and demonstration will begin and, on January 20, a state of emergency will be declared. The murder of Putin will prevent a peaceful transfer of presidential power to Sergey Naryshkin, with Dmitry Medvedev as prime minister, and the enforcement bloc in the Kremlin will gain power, that is, Igor Sechin, Sergey Ivanov and Nikolay Patrushev."

It gets even better:

"As it continues, Kuchin's scenario starts to sound more and more like a suspense novel. After the imposition of the state of emergency, he posits, Vladimir Yakunin, now head of Russian Railways, becomes president and orders the shooting of striking oil worker in Surgut. St. Petersburg Governor Valentina Matvienko and Moscow Mayor Yury Luzhkov are sentenced to death for the embezzlement of billions of dollars. Nationalism will rise significantly along the way. But, after a series political and economic shakeups, there will be a happy ending in 2016, when Boris Nemtsov will become president with the help and funding of the again free Mikhail Khodorkovsky."

WOW. Apparently, all of this nonsense is in the new CSIS report called "Alternative Futures for Russia."

That's one hell of a future.

Obviously, as Lenta has already pointed out , this is clearly a fictional scenario (though one bordering on delusion, but this is Russia after all, so Kuchins just let loose his fevered mind).

Kommersant obviously prints this in all its anti-imperialist glory, of course. But a note to their editors: pssst, the American government does this all the time. Our beloved National Intelligence Council, in their Global Trends 2020 report, for instance, printed a letter from
Bin Laden's grandson to one of his relatives: "Oh, what confusion did we sow with the Crusaders. An almost forgotten word reentered the Western lexicon and histories of early Caliphs suddenly rose to be bestsellers on Amazon.com."

No, really, our tax dollars paid for that. Kommersant really missed out. Then again, Dmitry Sidorov never ceases to amaze me.

If you look at his smart, witty, and sharply critical essays in Ezhednevny Zhurnal, one is bound to be impressed that a Russian journalist (albeit, based in DC) can write so openly and freely. But then, when it comes to his own publication, the man becomes a walking National Inquirer.

Last year, the man did a James Bond on a Carnegie event with Voloshin (strangely enough, Kuchins was Carnegie's director of Russia program then) and outed Fiona Hill as a CIA agent (she was actually at the above-mentioned National Intelligence Council, perhaps penning that letter from Bin Laden's offspring).

"The Kommersant correspondent was able to see through the window of the first-floor hall that there were about 20 people present, including the former ambassadors to Russia and Ukraine Jim Collins and Steven Pifer. Fiona Hill, who was recently named CIA national intelligence officer for Russia, was also at that meeting."

I'm shocked he didn't notice Santa Claus in the corner, plotting Russia's downfall.

We did some checking. Our inside girl at CSIS swears that Kommersant is blowing this out of perspective. Here's the abstract.

Secret Option 3

AP: - "A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules," Berlin police said.

It seems that airport security informed the man he'd either have to surrender the bottle or pay a check-in fee. The man opted for Secret Option 3. "He chugged the bottle down — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function," police said.

No word on where he was headed. But we suspect it was most definitely somewhere in E. Europe.

Getting to Know the "Candidate" Medvedev

Propaganda, anyone?

From JRL: "First Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, who has every chance of becoming Russia's next president - is a man of honor, a skilled professional and a modern type of person...Medvedev is a very up-to-date personality. He is keen for everything new - technologies, the Internet, high-tech things...The would-be president is fluent in English and is well familiar with youth slang that floods the world web...On the wall at the entrance to the antechamber of Medvedev' s office there is a portrait of the last Russian Emperor, Nicholas II. If one is to believe the daily Vedomosti, the best way of making Medvedev feel good is to say that he resembles the last Russian monarch."

"...His hobbies and favorite things comprise music - Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple, books by Mikhail Bulgakov's that were banned under Joseph Stalin, and football club Zenit from his native St. Petersburg. In sports, its jogging and chess. Medvedev also swims 1,500 meters twice a day."

PRIME MINISTER PUTIN!

Looks like big news comes in buckets.

"Mr. Medvedev went before the nation today and declared that he in turn would name Mr. Putin as his prime minister."

This comes just as the world was digesting the Medvedev story. Prime Minister Putin also means that Eternal Remont will now collect on bets from all the unbelievers.

Anyway, here's yesterday's smart money on Medvedev, all of which looks slightly stale:

FT: "A silovik as president could be a threat to other siloviki. With a non-silovik in office, everyone sleeps easier in their beds."

NYTimes: "While Mr. Medvedev is clearly a Putin loyalist, Russia has never had leaders who have wielded decisive authority from the background."

State: ''I don't think we should blow this out of proportion. We have focused our policy on the policies of Russian reform and the policies of the Russian Government, not the personalities.''

Man of the Hour

Say it slowly: President Medvedev. Russia's man of the hour.

We still haven't decided if it's an honor to win a promotion because you are the least competitive candidate, and therefore less likely to challenge Putin. "I have known him very closely for more than 17 years and I completely and fully support this proposal," said Putin.

We bet you do.

Russia, meet YouTube...

Who needs the OSCE when everyone's got a video phone and a YouTube account.

Now, Eternal Remont has never served as an election monitor, but we're pretty sure you're not supposed to pull extra ballots out from you backpack and run them through the scanner, like this. Even the army is doing it's part of overfulfill the election plan, like this.

GazProfit? Not so much...

Gazprom's profits fell 25% in the Spring of 2007. This comes after the company pumped up prices to downstream customers in E. Europe.

Higher operating costs are the official reason for the $1 billion slide. We suspect Western-trained sabatours could also be to blame. They seem to be the reason for all of Russia's other ills these days.

God Bless You Bulgaria

It's been a while since we've had a Bulgaira story. Not too worry, the Irish have saved us.

"An Irishman broke into a furniture shop in Bulgaria's resort of Bansko on Sunday night just to have a nap on a sofa inside, Interior Ministry officials reported. The foreigner, who was quite drunk at the time of the accident, confessed he thought the shop was his room."

Our world is right again.

Could Not Resist

Thanks ellustrator!

A Pliable Successor?

Dec. 4 (Bloomberg) -- "With Russian opposition politicians planning long-shot presidential campaigns, Vladimir Putin is searching for a pliable successor..."