Mr. Whiplash

Putin's public statements on Ukraine are giving everyone whiplash. Last week, he threatened to shut off Ukraine's gas if the country was one day late in making a payment. This week, he’s deeply concerned about helping Ukraine during these difficult times and won't force the country to pay fines for buying less gas than promised.

One colleague has noted that Putin was talking to a domestic, Russian audience. This could explain the tear in space time reality: "They (Ukraine) are on the verge of bankruptcy and as you well know you should not finish off your partners," Putin said.

...Like last week never happened. Good cop, bad cop starts to get really weird if it’s the same cop.

The Swedes are bailing out the Baltics

New York Times: In its deep sense of ownership of the Baltics, Sweden’s own financial self-interest and a broader desire in Europe to avoid a new East-West divide are driving Sweden to spend more money.

Whether it will work to save the Baltics — and whether Swedish citizens will approve — remains to be seen.

Swedish banks have issued loans equivalent to roughly 20 percent of Sweden’s gross domestic product to the Baltic countries, an amount that only a few years ago looked like a wise bet. Now, according to Danske Bank, the loans could cost Sweden a total of 2 percent to 6 percent of its G.D.P. over several years, depending on how many Baltic borrowers default during the recessions ravaging the region.

The strong Scandinavian presence is fairly uncontroversial in the Baltics. The Russian occupation of the three countries for much of the 20th century makes Swedes seem rather benign.

I'm so proud of Sweden, today, for caring about the Baltics. I hope it eventually pays off.

Denial of Service Attack or Vigilante Justice?

Remember those pesky cyberattacks on Estonia that took down the government websites, banking systems, and led NATO to take up cybersecurity as one of its competencies? Well, RFERL has stumbled upon a clue about who may have done it:

Sergei Markov, a State Duma Deputy from the pro-Kremlin Unified Russia party: "About the cyberattack on Estonia... don't worry, that attack was carried out by my assistant. I won't tell you his name, because then he might not be able to get visas."

Astute observation on the visa front, but hey, extradition may work as a substitute. Markov claims it was a spontaneous outpouring of civil society's discontent, cyber-vigilante justice if you will. "Something bad had to be done to these fascists," said Markov's assistant, and he took the law into his own hands.

The Bachelor Billionaire

Forbes Magazine has ranked "Bachelor billionaire" Mikhail Prokhorov as Russia's richest person, and the 40th richest in the world. Despite a 51% drop in his net worth, the magazine estimates his personal fortune at $9.5 billion.

Oh yes, and Forbes was nice enough to mention his habit for importing Russian prostitutes (err "friends") to join him at the French ski resort of Courchevel.

Money still can't buy you love. But it can buy just about everything else.

Here He Comes to Save the Day!

Nazarbayev's on his way!

That's right, Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev has solved the global financial crisis (finally).

"In our view, we must create a single world currency under the aegis of the United Nations," Nazarbayev said on Tuesday according to Foreign Policy. He has never publically spoken about this idea until now; however, he has written about it in the past.

Nazarbayev first called for the creation of a worldwide currency, to be called "acmetal" - a combination of "acme," a Greek word meaning the peak or the best, and "capital" - in an article published last month. He also suggests that we convert from "capitalism" to "acmetalism."

ACMEtalism...Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc could have had a field day with this one.

Georgian Song Banned from Eurovision

That's right, Georgia, YOU CAN'T WIN. Remember last month, the Georgians submitted the subtly anti-Putin song "We Don't Wanna Put in" for Eurovision? Well, according to guardian.co.uk, the European Broadcasting Union deemed the song "too political" for the Eurovision competition.

According to the rules of the event, no "lyrics, speeches, gestures of a political or similar nature shall be permitted during the Eurovision song contest".

In a statement today, the EBU said Georgia would have to change the lyrics and title or submit a new entry by 16 March, otherwise it would not be allowed to take part.

Did Russia Rig the Eurovision Contest?

You can rig a presidential election, rig the parlamentary vote, change the constitution to appoint governors, and shoot any pesky journalists who get in the way...but don't you dare try and rig the Eurovision contest.

Dare accepted:

"I got a call two days ago from a well-known Russian composer who told me that Prikhodko would win. I knew about it two days ago."

And yes, we had to make this about geo-politics.

But what of the Russian Tycoons?

Because most of the world is struggling to um...live, we often overlook the real victims of the economic crisis: The Tycoons. The Wall Street Journal reports today that Russia's debt-burdened tycoons might have to part with their assets amid the deepening global crisis as the government no longer has the resources to bail them out. Says Gregory White:

Like many other governments, Russia's has consistently underestimated the severity of the global downturn. After promising generous aid to a swath of industries late last year, the Kremlin quietly scrapped nearly all of those plans in the past few months, officials say. Other costly decisions were delayed by Russia's bureaucracy.

So Russian tycoons have to part with assets AKA diamond studded cars, yachts that are too heavy to float, and fur clad models??? And Russian bureacracy saved money this time??? I just don't understand the world anymore.

Ukraine Goes Tracy Jordan

YahooNews: On Saturday, on Artema Street, in front of one of the city's beleaguered banks, 70 protesters gathered this week to vent their anger. Most have been told they can't touch their money for six months. Similar protests are often seen in the city.

The people on Artema don't trust banks, bank regulators, the economy, the currency, the government or politicians. President Viktor Yushchenko -- the man whose orange banner led the revolution -- has an approval rating below 3 percent.

I guess the lesson is, if you're a theif in Ukraine, you'd probably have better luck flipping people's matresses than robbing banks these days.

The Diplomacy of Cheese

Allow me to be the first to say it: this is embarrassing.

“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton presented Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov with a red ‘reset button’ to symbolize improved ties. Clinton joked to Lavrov: ‘We worked hard to get the right Russian word. Do you think we got it?’ ‘You got it wrong,’ said Lavrov, smiling as the two pushed the reset button together before dinner at a Geneva hotel. He told Clinton the word ‘Peregruzka’ meant "overcharge," to which Clinton replied: "We won't let you do that to us."

Ladies and gentlemen, we present the "Diplomacy of Cheesy Props."

Apparently this is what we can expect from our new Sec. of State, who must now renegotiate a milestone arms treaty with Lavrov, bring him around to eliminating Iran’s Israel-erasing nuclear weapons program, while simultaneously restoring confidence in allies who are nervously waiting for Washington to sell them down the river.

How do you do this? With rubber chickens and hand buzzers, apparently. What about the whoopee cushions? That will really earn you respect at the negotiating table.

(And in case you're wondering, the button should have said: perezagruzka.)

Acrobats Stranded in Ukraine!

That's right, the worst has happened: there's a clown shortage in Britain.

According to YahooNews, in November, the British Home Office introduced a points-based system to crack down on illegal immigration and create what its web site describes as "a significantly more straightforward and transparent structure." It's easy enough for foreign trapeze artists and acrobats to secure the requisite points for entry into Britain based on their unique skills. But ringmasters say that various problems with the new system - including faulty computer software and poorly trained embassy staff - are preventing international talent from reaching Britain's big tops. Says owner of the Great British Circus Martin Lacey:

My season started in February and I've got comedy acrobats stranded in the Ukraine, and Mongolian horse riders who were refused their visas in Ulan Batur.

According to Malcolm Clay, secretary of the Association of Circus Proprietors of Great Britain, British circus schools don't produce artists at an acceptable standard, largely because their students refine skills like tightrope walking or fire-breathing as a hobby, not as part of a life-long career. As a result, British circuses rely on artists from countries with long-established histories of state-sponsored circus schools.

Gorby Criticizes the Big Dog

Yahoo: In some of his strongest criticism of his successors, Mikhail Gorbachev on Thursday likened Vladimir Putin's United Russia party to the worst of the communists he once led and helped bring down, and said Russia is today a country where the parliament and the judiciary are not fully free.

Other musings from the accidental destroyer of communist Russia:

He still holds out hope that one day Ukraine, Kazakhstan, and Belarus will join with Russia in forming a new union. BURN to the rest of Central Asia.

Gorby laughed when asked whether his recent appearance in Louis Vuitton ads might not cheapen his momentous legacy, saying his foundation needed the money. He noted that he had also once appeared in Pizza Hut ads, and asked if any other offers might be forthcoming.

Clinton Meets Lavrov

Sec. Clinton resumed her magical mystery tour through the Mid-East and Europe with a town hall meeting at the European Parliament.

Whereas VP Biden had previously said America wants to “hit the reset button” with Russia (there’s a reset button?), Clinton informed her audience that she intends to make a "fresh start" during her working dinner with Foreign Minister Sergei ("who are you to $*#&^$% lecture me) Lavrov. “Our engagement with Russia in no way undermines our support for countries like Georgia or the Baltics or the Balkans or anywhere else in Europe,” she said.

Back in Washington, however, there seems to be some disagreement on this point. In fact, former Asst. Sec. State for Democracy & Human Rights David Kramer cautioned in the WashPost against trading away E. Europe and democracy promotion in exchange for help with Iran. "Any 'grand bargain' the United States makes with Russia would be viewed in Moscow as a sign of U.S. desperation."

So watch the desperation, Sec. Clinton. Don't giggle too much, and make sure you let Lavrov lean in for the first kiss.

Not that any of this matters much, since today’s number is: 274.

That’s the number of days left until the START treaty expires.

Lolz @ State

The US Department of State has requested that we all "Text the Secretary a question about her trip to the Middle East and Europe."

Inside U.S.: 90822
Outside U.S.: 202-255-6299

Done and done:

“Zomg, ur trip iz coolz. ROTFL @ Hamaz. Whats up with Russa? hahah Drinks l8r?”

So it's come to this. Public discourse over America's changing role in a multi-polar world, complex and highly nuanced issues of policy, the international response to a global crisis...all reduced to a text.

I've wasted my life.

NATO patches things up with Russia...ish

Reuters: Today, NATO foreign ministers agreed to resume high-level formal ties with Russia, suspended last year after Moscow's military thrust (ha! thrust? more like blitz)into Georgia.

Russia immediately welcomed the move, and so did I. Sorry, Georgia, you shouldn't poke bears. Just ask this idiot.

Anyway, everyone still has your back, Georgia...well Russia doesn't, but Secretary Clinton and other allies emphasized that differences persisted with Russia, particularly over Georgia. She added that NATO had to find ways to "manage" these differences while also standing up for its principles when security or other interests were at stake.

Woot for tense, modest cooperation.

The Week Is Incomplete Without a Gas Crisis

Washington Post: Masked state security officers armed with automatic weapons raided the headquarters of Ukraine's national gas company Wednesday in a dramatic escalation of the feud between the country's top leaders during a crippling financial crisis.

President Viktor Yushchenko said the operation was part of a criminal investigation into the firm, Naftogaz, which was at the center of the dispute with Russia this year that left gas customers in much of Eastern Europe shivering.

But Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko condemned the raid as an attempt by "corrupt groups" to disrupt the company's operations just days before Ukraine must make a critical payment to Russia or risk another gas cutoff.

Given: Ukraine is falling apart.

Question: Why are "state security officers" always masked? And why do the newspapers feel compelled to tell us they are every single time?

[Edit: We've had far too many pictures of Putin of late, so here's one of Yushchenko taking a dip, for the hell of it.]

BBC: Seriously Now, Who's in Charge?

As the Kremlin prepares to celebrate the first annaversary of "Operation Successor," the BBC asks a rather impolite question: Is Medvedev really in charge?

According to a Kremlin Spokeswoman, the answer is obvious:

“The president is fully in charge of foreign affairs, the armed forces and many other areas. Over the past year [Medvedev] has fully carried out those duties.”

That's odd, since we seem to remember Putin (not Medvedev) calling the shots from a forward observation post during the Georgian War; Putin who spoke with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao to discuss international relief efforts to help Chinese earthquake victims; Putin who traveled to Davos; Putin who negotiated with Tymoshenko during the international gas crisis; and Putin who took the call from German Chancellor Angela Merkel right before he re-authorized gas shipments to Europe.

Since left is right, up is down, Stalin was a "good manager," and the ruble is a strong international reserve currency, all evidence from the last year points to one undeniable fact: Medvedev is the absolutely the one “fully in charge of foreign affairs and the armed forces,” and Russia's rightful constitutional ruler.

Take that legal nihilism.

(If you haven't seen it, link to the Russian rap video "Vladimir Rules," highlighted in the BBC report, click 1) menu 2) video option at the bottom.)

Kadyrov Continues to be a Bastion for Feminism

Washington Times: Today, Predident of Chechnya and alleged human, Ramzan Kadyrov said the women, whose bodies were found dumped by the roadside, had "loose morals" and were rightfully shot by male relatives in honor killings.

Mr. Kadyrov describes women as the property of their husbands and says their main role is to bear children. He encourages men to take more than one wife, even though polygamy is illegal in Russia.

Way to keep tabs on this one, Putin and Medvedev. This is all clearly under control.

Russia's Minister of Finance Takes One for the Team

CNN: Today, Russia's finance minister made a rare admission of responsibility for the country's severe economic crisis.

The Russian government overspent its vast oil revenues in recent years, fueling inflation, and failed to diversify the national economy, Finance Minister Alexei Kudrin said in an exclusive CNN interview.

Kremlin officials usually blame the West, and specifically the United States, for the global economic crisis.

Meanwhile, pigs are flying, hell has frozen over, and monkeys are in fact flying out of my butt.

The EU really hates helping out Eastern Europe

It's just a fact. First, they don't want to let them work in W. Europe. Now, they refuse to bail them out. According to the Wall Street Journal, European Union leaders, led by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, rejected a call by Hungary for a sweeping bailout of Eastern Europe, as the bloc struggled to find consensus on an approach to the spiraling financial crisis at a summit Sunday.

The global recession has greatly strained the bonds holding together the 27 nations that now make up the European Union, formed in the wake of World War II, and poses the most significant challenge in decades to its ideals of solidarity and common interest.

Solidarity is only really a good idea when it helps everyone, Eastern Europe. Sorry.