Smile, You're in Serbia

Reuters reports that Serbia's civil servants must now "answer queries with a smile." Oh yes, and "short skirts, tops with revealing decolletage or narrow straps, short or see-through blouses and short pants" are no longer allowed for all 250,000 government employees.

This was a problem?

Wal-Mart Eyes Russia

Karl Marx once opined that capitalism, if left unrestrained, would reshape the world in its own image. Eternal Remont ponders this wisdom following WalMart's announcement to enter Russia's "growing consumer nation."

Ever since the “супермаркет” became ubiquitous, and no civilized Moscow apartment was complete without an ÄNGA modular shelving solution from Ikea, we assume it was only a matter of time before Russians learned to love their friendly neighborhood “вал-март.”

Now that we think of it, the doomsday cultists may be on to something.

“Уроки демократии”

It looks like political education starts early in Russia. Take for example the Kremlin's nifty website for kids, complete with “lessons of democracy.”

Make sure you take the quiz: “Is This Democracy?”

Alas, Eternal Remont scored very poorly.

(Thanks to Razuman Aga Pashazade for this awesome site!)

Putting the "Prime" in Prime Minister

Time is ticking down for President Putin’s final term. But the transition to Prime Minister is already taking shape.

Last month, a Levada Center poll found that 61% of Russian’s believed “power in the country will remain in the hands of [Vladimir] Putin and his entourage.”

How astute.

Days later, State Duma Speaker Boris Gryzlov confirmed that the out-going president will indeed be made head of United Russia. Soon after reports began to surface that Putin would keep control over all, or some, of the power ministries. Just to be safe, Putin will also keep his authority over federal envoys to the regions -- formerly answeable to the president.

If the current trend holds, then Putin is firmly on track to fundamentally alter the structure of state authority. Vremya Novostei has already noted that, “After May 7, we will have a president very limited in his actions and a premier very powerful in the sphere of realpolitik (Jamestown).”

Indeed, this new order will more closely approximate the former Soviet model of federal governance, whereby the presidency is relegated to a symbolic office, one party dominates the legislature, and the party general secretary – in this case Putin – will exercise true state power.

For Medvedev, the writing should be on the wall.

But hell, viva democracia!

May Day Gets its Mojo Back

Remember the good old days of the Cold War, when waves of Soviet tanks and missiles would parade past Brezhnev on May Day?

Yeah, it’s back.

Only now, the tanks must have rubber pads on their treds since Red Square is a UNESCO world heritage site.

"Как не надо танцевать"

Holy crap, Mr. Bean has a Russian nephew!

By the way, you might want to turn your volume waaaay down. The video could also be tagged, "how to loose your hearing."

Keep in mind, this is from the same civilization which once produced Tchaikovsky and Mussorgsky.

Sergey Lavrov: Quote Machine

These past few months, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov has been a one man quote machine. However, his comments yesterday on missile defense have definetly raised the bar.

AP reports: “Lavrov also warned that a U.S. failure to respond to Moscow's concerns on missile defense would prompt Russia to deploy weapons capable of piercing the missile shield in order to protect its security. ‘Russia would respond with military-technical measures,’ Lavrov said.”

For everyone keeping score at home, Lavrov just threatened to attack NATO if Moscow doesn't get its way.

1) Unless the Czechs and Poles agree to Russia’s terms (monitors)
2) Russia could use its own offensive weapons
3) to destroy the defensive shield
4) so as to prevent said shield from being used to stop Russia's offensive weapons

Now, under some circumstances 'military-technical measures' can also mean spy satellites. But we are pretty sure that's not what he meant by 'deploying weapons.'

Yi So-yeon: Cosmonaut

Korea’s first astronaut, Yi So-yeon, blasted into space today aboard a Soyuz rocket. Just as there are no atheists in a foxhole, it would also appear the same principle holds for the Russian space program.

"I have no religion, but I pray for the success of the flight," said Ko San, the Korean scientist who was Yi's backup for the launch.

Pray to whom, then?

There is still no word if the cosmonauts will attempt any Moonraker experiments in addition to the 19 officially scheduled for the mission. Although it is interesting to note that Yi So-yeon was the back-up candidate for the flight. Korea’s first choice was booted from the program after the Russians accused him of stealing secrets from Star City.

"Ukraine is not even a state"

It appears now that Putin was not necessarily on his best behavior during the NATO summit, threatening to split Ukraine in two should that country join the alliance.

"'Do you understand, George, that Ukraine is not even a state!' Putin told U.S. President George W. Bush at the closed meeting, the diplomat told Kommersant. After saying most of Ukraine's territory was 'given away' by Russia."

While Igor (our in-house mad genius) correctly notes, "We knew this all along," someone really needs to tell the Ukrainians about this. The poor souls are under the impression they have a country.

Thanks to James as well for the heads-up.

No Man's Land, The Party

Lejla tipped us to this story, as Bosnia's Oscar-winning film director Danis Tanovic has formed a new political party.

Reuters reports: "The 38-year-old filmmaker, whose No Man's Land movie about the absurdity of war won the Oscar for best foreign language film in 2001, said he hoped the new 'Our Party' would appeal to those disillusioned people who have not bothered to vote in recent elections."

By Eternal Remont's rough count, this includes nearly all voters in Bosnia.

A Serbian Divorce Gets Ugly

Branko Zivkov must have have been reading up on the stories of King Solomon. Either that -- or he’s a very bitter man.

It seems that Branko decided to follow an order from the local divorce court to the letter, and cut in half all of his earthly possessions.

“Zivkov told Belgrade daily Kurir he had been ready to give his wife Vukadinka her equal share of everything earned during their 45-year marriage, but was furious at being asked to give away half his farming equipment."

"I still haven't decided how to split the cow," he said.

Go get her, Branko.

“Bulgarian Road Carnage”

Today’s Bulgarian papers report that -- last night alone -- there were 13 “heavy car crashes” on the country’s highways, and 152 collisions in the city of Sofia.

For everyone who has ever been forced to ride shotgun at 90 mph with 200 jars of tomato preserves and a skinned rabbit in the back seat, headlines like this do not inspire calm.

"dih-MEE'-tree med-VEHD'-ev"

As soon-to-be-ex-President Bush finished up his time in Sochi, he took time to meet with soon-to-be-President Medvedev. In honor of the event, the AP was even nice enough to include a wiz-bang pronunciation guide: "dih-MEE'-tree med-VEHD'-ev." Sweet!

At the meeting, Medvedev noted how Bush and Putin "did a lot to advance U.S.-Russian relations" adding, "I would like to do my part to keep up that work."

Prior to his visit, President Medvedev again hinted at his 'liberal' side, "telling a forum devoted to the Internet...that the answer to 'the delicate question of the relationship between freedom of speech and responsibility...is fairly simple: laws must be respected everywhere . . . at the same time, the state should take a calm, fair position' towards Internet users." As Jamestown notes, a recent bill introduced in the Federation Council would require Russian websites with more than 1,000 daily visitors to register as media outlets.

This could also mean that the purveyors of, well, adult material will be officially recognized as journalists, under one reading of the law.

In the World of Photo-Ops...

..it just doesn't get any better than this. The soft light is perfect for eye-gazing.

Très romantique!

English Russia: Ballot Art

During the Soviet period, defacing ballot was a grave crime, punishable by up to 10 years hard labor. English Russia has stumbled upon a popular trend.

It makes you wonder why people would do such a thing?

Last Stop: Bucharest

The Romanian government pulled out all the stops to make the NATO summit a success. City officials planted new flowers, fixed street signs (which way to Sochi?), rounded up stray dogs, and even banned the sale of alcohol in some parts of the city -- just to be safe. Reportedly, one crisis nearly threatened to tank the entire affair, when Romanian officials discovered the Parliament Palace didn't have enough toilets, prompting a mad dash to install port-a-johns.

In public statements, President Bush didn't mention Ukraine or Georgia by name, but he was especially effusive with President Sarkozy, seeing him as the "latest incarnation of Elvis." But only on background.

Still, the real fun occurred when the Macedonians "stormed out of the meeting," after failing to receive a MAP. This is, of course, exactly the kind of behavior you want to exhibit when attempting to demonstrate just how reliable and stable you are.

But apparently diva tatics work in NATO, as Vladimir Putin had already "threatened to cancel his planned first-ever visit to the NATO meeting on Friday if [Ukraine & Georgia] entered the program for eventual membership."

Thus far, Putin has been especially gracious.

The MAPs are Official

NATO has announced the official recipients of new Membership Action Plans.

As Heidi Klum would say, Croatia and Albania are in, Ukraine, Georgia and Macedonia are, well, not in.

The Croats would bring to the alliance their nifty Hrvatski Samokres 9mm pistols (below), developed during the last war with Serbia. The Albanians would bring...all the skills they aquired when building the world's most advanced network of anti-NATO fortifications under Enver Hoxha.

To commemorate this historic event, we offer a little Enver Hoxha trip down memory lane, formerly Marx and Engles Avenue.

Now, who wants to going to Afghanistan?

Lavrov is Concerned

Last week Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov was “convinced.” Now he’s “concerned.” Yes, life in the Russian Foreign Ministry is just one long roller-coaster of diplomatic emotions.

The latest issue is Kosovo. Lavrov noted, "I am concerned that the developing situation in Kosovo is not over...The minorities in Kosovo have the right to express their will and the right to decide whom to live with.” Thus the divergence continues, whereby the Kremlin stands as a champion of self-determination for disenfranchised minorities outside of Russia's borders, and its mortal enemy inside.

But it was all smiles when president Bush landed for the next stop on his Magical Mystery Tour of the Wild East. Speaking in Russia, he noted the "unprecedented level" of cooperation between Russia and NATO on missile defense. "The Cold War is over," he said, "Russia is not our enemy" but, "I've got some convincing to do."

The president will have his chance to do some convincing when he and “Vlad” gaze once more into each other's eyes. The crisp mountain air will make it easy to forget that Putin called him a Nazi less than one year ago.

Ken Lee, Doesn't He Work in Accounting?

God Bless Bulgaria.

The Internet is a Strange and Creepy Place.

Some jokers at BlogFlux took it upon themselves to rank Eternal Remont alongside several very suspicious interest area blogs.

Hilarity ensued.

Unconscionably, we rank “extremely similar," 91%, to a bunch of Southern nationalist, neo-separatist, state’s rights wackos, professing “Our liberty and the dream for the Republic our forefathers envisioned” (read slavery).

Huh?

We also get slotted with a bunch of wild-eyed libertarians. For the record, Eternal Remont has never inhaled.

Then there's the Western Hemisphere Policy Watch blog, which if memory serves, is in the wrong hemisphere. But who's keeping track, right Miss. South Carolina?

Now even if our officially stated interest area is broad enough to include "the floor of the Moscow subway with a sweet candy coating," Eternal Remont really has to question the logic behind BlogFlux's algorithm.

Seriously, Irish legal fiction? What does that even mean?